Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who have been praying for me and sending me facebook notes, text messages, and flowers. Up until now, my life has been all-consumed with classroom 102, and each night I've collapsed into bed, nearly sleeping before my body was fully under covers.
My classes range from 25 students to 6 students, some sharp and eager, others cranky and stubborn.
And life is good.
But I'm exhausted.
To combat the tiredness in the process of going through syllabi and procedures, I drank the second power drink of my life this afternoon. It wasn't pretty.
Yesterday was my very first day with students. After my first class period, the para for one of my 10th graders caught me at the door and said, "You're one of the best teachers I've ever seen," and then walked away, leaving me mouth agape, bumbling into the next hour.
What a blessing to hear that others see the work, blood, and tears my life has been consumed with these last four years of college.
Professors out there- thank you for investing in me, for pouring your wisdom out with all your heart. Friends, thank you for listening to my crazy stories, for crying with me in the struggles and laughing with me in the joys. Family, thank you for loving me, on my very worst days, and inspiring in me the longing to serve, to minister, to love. You taught me how because you pointed me toward the greatest Teacher, and then He cultivated this heart of mine for the classroom.
These first two days have felt like an eternity. In the moments when I have longed to see Josh so badly I was tempted to shove lessons plans in my desk and save them for morning, those moments, those pinnacle moments, God has reminded me of how desperately I need Him. And then He pushes me forward.
Students are already creeping into my heart. Some because they just make me smile--good attitudes and eager spirits. Others because they're broken, and they're longing to be whole. The need here is great, economically and spiritually. And it's written all over my students' faces.
Then there are the teachers. I've always said the classroom is a mission field, but I never expected that field to include coworkers to extent it has here.
Yesterday, after my first long and exhausting day, a brand new hire stopped by my classroom, and we ended up talking for two hours about God's faithfulness in the midst of the most painful and angering situations. This woman is broken and bleeding. She and I are the same age, and she's in the middle of a divorce while trying to work full time and take care of her 6-month-old baby. And the church has burnt her. And she wants to walk away. But Someone keeps pulling her back.
Today, thinking I'd get home early, I stopped by another brand new teacher's room to see how she was adjusting. She's never taught before, never even student taught, and now she's been thrown without a life vest into the eye of a hurricane. And she's frustrated with our system at school...and some coworkers...and the isolation of this valley...and apathy of believers here. And so we talked for two hours, discussing theology and church and deception of the enemy.
I feel like I have nothing to give these women. I'm tired and I don't want to give up two hours every day of planning time, only to get home late, work even later, and start the process over again five hours down the pike.
I love being a teacher--I don't want to be anything else--but I'm tired. I catch myself thinking, "God, can't you use me later?"
And then I'm humbled, because I know He's asking to use me right now, in the midst of being tired, because it's not about me. It's about Him.
God is good. And God is faithful.
Even when I'm tired.
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