Some Titles Will Forever Be Inferior

The Casting Crowns song "Praise You in This Storm" has been on my heart all week. It has been a song that's been resonating, because for the first time, it's personal.

Josh and I were just to the point of telling family and friends that we were pregnant. We were both so excited. For a brief moment, life seemed so perfect.

But Tuesday morning, I woke up, and didn't feel well. I called in sick, and as the day progressed, thought it might me wise to go to the doctor.

We lost the baby.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

This has been a week of pain- mental, physical, and emotional pain.

If my heart forgets momentarily of the loss, my body reminds me.

I've been yelling at God.

We already lost one baby- I thought surely he was promising this one to us. We would have loved it fiercely. Why is it that women who mistreat their bodies and their babies seem to have child after child, unwanted and unloved? But we can't seem to have one.

One baby.

Just one.

"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in Your hands
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn,
I'll praise you in this storm"

Northwest Women's Retreat was this last weekend, and our speaker talked about moments like these. She used the illustration of the harvest- the fields specifically. She said sometimes, our lives, the soil, are like clay. The soil is hard and dry, and God has to reach down and break us apart. It's painful. The soil resists, and it hurts. But then God plants seeds. When it is time to water, he takes our tears, and waters those seeds, and the harvest is plentiful. New life- new growth. Hope.

No tears go to waste. And right now, mine are plentiful.

In my moments of rational thought, I know this. But in the moments of my greatest hurt and inability to wrap my head around understanding, I just don't get it.

And then the song comes back to mind.

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say 'Amen', and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away."

God hurts, too. God cries, too. God sees. And he's still with Josh and I. I can't just praise God when life is good. He is worthy of my praise all the time.

God tills, and cultivates. He plants and tends. And then he reaps. And the harvest is plentiful.

I cry out, wondering why God didn't save the baby, but then I see that God did. Because the baby is with him.

My heart aches- and I know Josh's does, too.

But one day, there will be reunion, with our Maker, and two babies.

And that is something to look forward to.

Until then, our tears will be caught in the Maker's hands. The field may be dry now, but moisture is coming, and with that a healthy harvest.

Lord, I don't understand your plan, but I know that it is perfect. I know I do not weep alone, but also that I do not weep in vain. No pain is wasted, nor are my tears. Be the parent Josh and I cannot be. Love our baby.

I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker, of heaven and earth. I am in desperate need of your help to stand, Father.

You are the deliverer, the comforter, the healer, and the lover. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. And I cling to that promise, sweet Jesus.