Finally The Ruler of My Own Kingdom

My English IV students...Seniors...are currently looking graduation in the eye, 14 more days until their blessed tasseled walk, but before they can gain a diploma, they must finish the creative writing unit started two weeks ago.

It's killing them.

Their first short story was to be a Faust. We read an excerpt, watched a blip of "The Little Mermaid," then they were released. They needed a central character who wanted something, but to gain it, had to sell a portion of freedom, or even, their soul. Lords, devils, contracts, and flawed characters turned up some fairly clever tales.

Next up, plays. Students read a bit of Endgame, an absurd drama by Samuel Beckett, one of my favorites. Solomon would be proud. Meaningless, meaningless. All is meaningless...in a Beckett play, at least.

On to Frankenstein. Students' short stories had to be from the perspective of the monster, a bit of inspiration from the hit production Wicked.

But the assignment that just about made my seniors keel over from their own guttural wailing was the humor segment.

Did you know Steve Martin, that's right- the father of the bride, the father of a dozen children, and the self-proclaimed lover of mixed-nuts, wrote a book of short stories. And they are all funny.

Or at least I thought so. I copied off about eight of them, making a packet for each student thinking, "They'll definitely want to keep these hilarious stories!"

But my seniors? They felt...other...emotions.

I told my students that if they read their humor stories out loud in class and made me laugh, I would give them fifteen bonus points. And let's just face it- fifteen points could make or break graduation for a few of these highly lovable albeit procrastinating seniors.

Here is the story that broke my laugh bubble today. Fifteen points well deserved.

Once upon a time, in a mystical far away world, there was a small kingdom called Englishfoura. This kingdom was ruled over by a benevolent queen named Blaina. Under her wise rule, the assignment crops flourished and the grade harvesters prospered. Her loyal subjects were happy, and so was she.

One day, however, a twisted thought entered her head. "I'm bored with all of this. I think I'll assemble my subjects and make a decree."

And that is exactly what she did. So on the allotted day, the subjects assembled before their queen, looking eagerly to their loved leader. They were confident that something wonderful was in store for them, so they thought nothing of the papers that were being passed among them.

"Everyone open your papers," she called.

The people eagerly opened them, but to their horror and dismay, they found that the papers contained a collection of incredibly lame 'humorous' short stories.

"Now," the queen said with an evil gleam in her eye, "read them ALOUD."

The terrified people groaned inwardly, but did as they were told, and for the space of an hour, they suffered.

When the poor souls had finished, they looked hopefully back to the queen; perhaps there was a good reason for this?

But it was not to be.

The queen let loose a maniacal laugh that filled them with dismay.

"Now," she cried, "write one YOURSELF!"

And so began the dark times. The happy kingdom was transformed into a hopeless wasteland, filled with despair and sorrow. No one could bring themselves to create such horrible humor.

But every story has a hero, and this one is no exception.

For traveling the land, there was a character of infinite coolness; a man of unspeakable awesomeness. Wielding the Sword of Sarcasm, he lived to defend the witless and destroy the sharp of tongue; restoring good humor wherever he went.

And that is exactly what he was here to do.

He marched into Blaina's black fortress, intent on restoring order to the land. Her guards moved to stop him, but they shied away when they realized it was futile.

Finally, he arrived in the throne room.

An evil laugh filled the air. "Good, you must have come with another stack of bad humor papers! I can't wait to give them all bad grades! There is no way they can succeed with this assignment!"

The Sword of Sarcasm rang as it was drawn.

"I have come to end this madness," he declared.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Blaina.

With unfathomable skill, he wielded the Sword of Sarcasm, destroying all of the bad humor papers that were stacked in the room. Having finished his first grisly task, he lifted his hand and blasted Blaina with a bolt of pure awesomeness.

The madness left her eyes, and the black clouds over the countryside began to disperse.

So the queen was restored to good sense, the awesome dude returned to his home, and the subjects never had to write humorous stories ever again. Everyone lived happily ever after.

The end.

And so live the residents in the happy kingdom of Englishfoura, along with their first-year ruler, Blaina, wife to King Blaino, and owner of Sir Ivan.

Life is good, and only 29 more days until I can smooch my nephews.